COLD

I live in a land made of ice. It’s always cold, and I can’t feel my feet.

The days go on for weeks. Night melts as quickly as it freezes over.

They’ve been gone for two months searching for a way out. I lost contact twelve days ago.

I’ve had time for everything – reorganize the lab and the library, clean out the fridge twice, play chess against myself.

Some days, all I do is watch reruns of shows I’ve seen a hundred times, episodes we’ve watched again and again for five years. I can’t read The Sound and the Fury again.

The sun won’t go away. But I hate the darkness even more.

In the dark, the cold seeps into you through every layer of clothing until it pierces your skin and crawls through your veins.

The cold grips you from within and turns blood into ice. Like a cancer you can’t beat, a sickness too deep; you can’t feel anything else.

They’re avoiding me – I know they’re still out there.

The horizon never changes, the scenery always the same – dunes of snow and white winds veiled across a tundra so mundane.

I killed a seal just to feel something. I slit its throat and walked away. I’m so lonely.

White nothingness is all I know now, this stinging cold that persists and continues and does not relent and gets colder every day.

Warmth is a myth; some ideal I only vaguely remember once knowing.

I got used to cold showers three years ago. Blankets stopped working not long after.

A house in a hill – there’s no way it’s real, but we had to hope. But they should be back by now, unless they found it.

But the house is just a story; that wasn’t part of the mission. I just want to talk to someone again.

I need to feel like I’m being heard, and not just posturing or condolence, but real understanding. I want to know there’s another person out there who knows who I am as well as I do, and I want to love that person with every ounce of my being.

And I’m here, holding a gun in my mouth and laughing because I’m still alive after pulling the trigger. Another day, another victory against chance.

(Original Draft: February 21, 2017)

Real Heroes

There’s no such thing as ‘surprise’ anymore. But that’s not to say things don’t change. On the contrary; there’s always some new hero flying around, some new villain wreaking havoc, some new crisis to be averted.

But it’s always the same story. Hero vs. Villain. Good vs. Evil. Right vs. Wrong. Except the heroes change, and so do the villains.

‘Good’ changes from person to person. ‘Right’ is a matter of perspective. Try telling a little alien girl she’s not welcome just because of who she is. Imagine being able to give the entire Eastern seaboard unlimited free power and you don’t.

They tell us they’re not our keepers, that we have to live our own lives and make our own decisions. They say they’re meant to protect, not control us, and that’s a nice tune when you hold the power. But with disaster and calamity around every corner, it’s difficult to sing along.

Corporations are killing the planet with toxic sludge and lethal pollutants. Where are the heroes? Internet trolls spread fake news and hate-filled vitriol, influencing global morality. Where are the heroes? Dictators on gold-plated thrones murder their citizens every single day. WHERE ARE THE HEROES?

I’ll tell you.

They’re fighting their own battles, taking swings and shooting lasers at one another while ordinary people like you and me shoulder the consequences. The silver lining of constant devastation is low unemployment – reconstruction jobs are in abundance. Otherwise, it’s a dark world only made darker when heroes don’t fight the real battles, when villains squander their gifts for selfish gains.

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the thinkers, the ones who’ve rejected violence and actually tried to make the world a better place. They’re few and far between, but it’s their efforts that truly change the world.

Doctor Terrific cured smallpox. Golden Gleam helped NASA develop multi-range satellite imaging. Fission’s unique DNA was integral in the development of clean nuclear energy. Even former super-villain Sonic Rider eventually used his unique connection with ocean life to inform deep-sea environmental research.

But these are just the exceptions to the rule of cruel negligence, the outliers whose actions can’t convince a whole generation of self-indulgence to give up their dreams of wearing capes and being fantastic. Some of the smartest men and women on the planet can’t see past their own two hands. They hurl insults and punches and bombs and heat-rays while the rest of us live with it.

This is the struggle – a daily reminder that we’re not super and they are, that the real world is all we have, and that it’s slowly crumbling down around us as devious demagogues rise to power.

Society is devolving and the heroes and villains don’t care. They’re blind to anything but their own sins, stuck on their personal issues, and plagued by constant infighting. They’re deaf to the pleas of ordinary people who can’t influence a congress or persuade a corporation. While gods and monsters fight in the sky, money and power control the world.

I used to be a cautious idealist, a believer of self-accountability and social equality. But that can’t possibly exist. Not when they can change the world and don’t. Corruption, hate, prejudice, and fear have become our norm: a daily existential crisis. Constant fear for our lives and our souls.

The handful of times they banded together and stopped worldwide destruction means we can’t tell them no. They put themselves on a pedestal so high they rarely remember we can’t see them, can’t understand why they do what they do, or know who to blame when everything falls apart.

Why were there no white heroes in the South during the Jim Crow era? Where was Legacy when the Cuban Missile Crisis threatened global nuclear fallout? How can they ignore the poaching and whaling and illegal hunting rampant across the second and third worlds? When did Blue Lighter decide to abandon his wife and two children? Why do they use their powers to fight one another when they could be reforesting barren wastelands and feeding incalculable masses?

They tell themselves lies disguised as benevolence; propaganda of the mind. They truly believe they’re doing what’s right – “sacrificing” themselves for us even though it was never about that.

Ours is the faceless mass, indistinguishable individuals, just more heads in the crowd in between their brawls and melees and ever-violent outbursts. We are props in their stories, the background noises they can’t completely tune out. And when they do acknowledge us, when they finally deign to either save or harm us, it’s still all about them.

(Original Draft: March 28, 2017)

Apologies

I’m sorry. I don’t really know who I am. I invent reasons for what I do that make no sense. I come up with excuses for my behavior even though I don’t really buy any of it. But even a fool has dimensions.

I know he left you behind; he’s the one that forgets. When I was him, it was the end. He almost let go the promise we made all that time ago and nearly lost sight of what truly mattered under the weight of his unending guilt and explosive compassion. He was angry as he was loving, full of rage and joy to the same degree. He was chaos with a clever joke, a tempest with quick wit, and he feared himself, in a way, most of all – he relied so much on words that eventually, time caught up and there was only silence.

But that’s no excuse – I was him and he is me, always the same yet someone else entirely. He was a good man made up of secrets and lies, a villain to the worst there is and a hero to so many more, someone who fixes things by fighting what breaks them. I know how he felt, the pain that went into his strength and that same pain that led to his greatest downfall. I remember every face he saved, every soul he touched, every enemy he defeated, and every story he didn’t want to end.

I’m sorry because he never could be. The sarcasm thinly veiling his insecurities, the smile hiding fear, the running away from his fate and into the fire – he was on his way out and acted accordingly. He was desperate, grasping for something more when he had already reached so high. And on that journey to wherever, whenever, however; he lost his way and stopped looking back. He will never have the chance to say he’s sorry, and I will always carry that weight.

Time and time again, the man I was eventually disappears into who I am, the stories and memories and relationships all shifting and changing because nothing is ever set in stone. I’ve died before and I’ll die again, reborn with all of my past still there under new eyes and a fresh coat.

Looking forward means also looking back, remembering the futures I’ve seen and the pasts still unknown. And there are so many memories that will never be mine, so many stories I’ll never forget yet can never relate to again, so many emotions I can feel without actually knowing what they felt like. I don’t know who I’ll be next, and the man who I become may not understand me; he may apologize for the things I’ve done, the mistakes I’ve made, and the ones I’ve left behind.

I’m sorry for everything because I have everything to be sorry for. This tale comes to a close when time runs out, when there are no more ways to reinvent myself, when I stop and finally face the consequences of my decisions. I keep running because the story doesn’t end at all – it just flips to the next chapter and a new me.

(Original Draft: June 30, 2017)